Delusion of Choice

While filling the school slam books just before the farewell party, there was a column "what you want to become after college", I promptly wrote "doctor", it was the 4th stop after i graduated from "astronaut" to "scientist" to "IAS officer" throughout my school. I went to Delhi for Intercollege, while choosing science, my dad asked what do you like, I said "I like maths, but score less in it i had 73% in boards in maths, I also have a very sharp memory and I love biology, I scored almost perfect in school biology", dad was not interested in long type answers, "doctor or engineer??", I said, "I don't know".."you like maths?" papa asked, "I guess so" was my reluctant reply..I didn't know what happened next, by the time I realised I was in the race which was to be finished at the "hallowed portals" of IITs (a name I had not heard till class XI). Two nei Three years of depression, discipline, no social life, numerous fictionless surfaces with rolling balls, carbon and nitrogen fighting over one bloody hydrogen atom and foot long equations under the integration symbol. And I was motivated to go to IIT, why? I never knew actually i knew, because my classmates wanted to go.. what is an engineer? who cares..

More than choice is was kind of only option left, a path I chose at a crossroad just because I did not know where to go. The ruthless race ended in a journey aboard Rajdhani Express from Delhi to Mumbai (I say ruthless because I was never "good" at maths, I was never a school topper, I was in lay man's term ghasita ram). In IIT I was laid back, hedonistic to the core, then some wise senior armed with fundaes on almost everything told me to "do" things which had "resume" value. I asked "such as?" ... he told me to work for IIT festivals such as MI, Techfest which I had little interest in, while I relaxed I saw my friends slogging to make it to "managers" of these fests, those who couldn't started their own festivals at department level and so on. I felt left behind but still I was averse to the idea of "doing" something for the sole purpose of "resume" value, I found cause-affect the other way. Resume should have thing I had done which I liked, rather than things I did to put them in resume. Everywhere there was race in the campus, and if people failed to get any resume worth place, they went for a start-up. Last year in IIT Bombay placements, almost everyone or the other was associated with some start up or the other. Boy we have abused the word "start-up" to the core.
I never knew what engineering meant while even in IIT, then came placements. As I perceived it there were broadly 4 types of jobs
1. Finance & Consulting
2. Core technical
3. accha kaam (good job)
4. Coding
Accha kaam was an area with "grey" written all over it. Anything which was not as nauseating as coding and was not as chick as Fin & consulting was accha kaam. Many companies came and seniors told us which had accha kaam, Inductis, NCDEX, Delloitte fit the bill. I sat for placements just to get a job, because everyone was getting one, "what I wanted to do" was the last thing on my mind. I got through a company which had accha kaam . Then it was a semester of booze, treats, emotions and the biggest mistake of my life.

I left the company and joined another company which had "accha kaam", now after some time I realise what accha kaam was..I look at historical data of sales, attrition and other business jargon and run fully automated tools to find mathematical equations which rule the pattern in such data. Since it is not as derogatory as coding for support software etc. (trust me it is very derogatory for IIT mind to do such a work, more than anything it qualifies for getting embarrassed in peers' mindset), but it is barely better than that, and to avoid the embarrassment it is camouflaged with some business jargon and voila! we have accha kaam, and those who do it, seniors like us who are above coding level and have not made it to cream like "consulting" and "finance" behave like we are above the cut, and to remain in high esteem use the term "accha kaam" to fool peers and juniors. Here again, I thought I had choice, but in fact I never had any choice, it was the first company i get placed into.

Like me today many of my friends too don't know where and how they have ended up here? I never knew engineer is, and yet I went to IIT. I never knew what analytics is, yet I work for an analytics firm. Sadly it does not end here, now since there is only one escape route from this, MBA so again I am in a race, to finish for IIMs, to be honest I don't know what MBA, IIMs, Investment banking, Consulting or management is about, but I want to become Investment banker because I am a masochist and want to make a lot of money. All throughout this journey, I always thought I had the choice, but it turns out, I just played along the conditions and situations in my life. Rather than making choices and governing life, Life governed me. They say growing up comes with ability make choices, but where was the choice? or there was some, delusion of choice.

PS: I thank my dad for actually not letting me take "medicine" profession, I just can't become one of those, although I had filled for National Law School, couldn't take exam because it was the same day as JEE.